By Fred Cavaiani
Two weeks ago I had the privilege of conducting a parish retreat at St. Margaret’s of Scotland Church in St. Clair Shores. Each morning I gave a talk and each evening I presented another talk from Monday through Thursday. I was deeply inspired by the spiritual depth of the people in attendance. It became ever more clear to me to me that one of the deepest desires of the human heart is to experience unconditional and compassionate love from someone. When that someone becomes a belief in God then the guilt producing ramblings of a punishing God can be thrown out the window. Everyone has a deep desire to be loved and always have someone in their corner. From our earliest years we look for a loving mother/father to be always there for us even when we make mistakes.
Children who experience unconditional love from parents have a security within themselves. In studying men and women who have suffered emotional abuse as children and yet have lived very successful and productive lives, there is always the same positive element. There was someone in their childhood that believed in them and lovingly supported them. It may not have always been their parent but it was someone close to them who remained a constant presence of acceptance and love in their lives.
I just read my brother’s autobiography which was deeply inspiring. We grew up in a small Upper Wisconsin and Upper Michigan town. Reading the story of our lives deeply impressed me and I was moved to tears hearing the story of our lives and how my younger brother lived such a loving and successful life in spite of many obstacles and difficulties which we had both experienced. There was just the two of us. He clearly related how our Grandmother and significant other people had a positive influence in our lives and always seemed to show up when the going got rough. He then related how his relationship with God had such a powerful influence on his life to give him strength to keep going. My brother is very successful and has helped many people in his life. He has been happily married for over 45 years with two wonderful sons and five loving grandchildren. His story caused many personal feelings within me to bubble up to the surface. It helped me to appreciate his life even more and see my own life in a more positive and grateful manner. But the most important principle in reading his autobiography was the realization that even though we did not have easy lives we both did have an experience that in spite of the pain we had suffered we both realized that there were people who loved us unconditionally and that that we had an awareness that there was a God who also loved us unconditionally.
This is the basic need of every child born into this world: to have an experience of unconditional love which always remains. It is the greatest gift a parent can give to a child. It is the greatest gift a religion can give to its members. But it must be experienced as unconditional. It is also the greatest gift we can give to other people: to love without conditions, judgments, or condemnations. The greatest gift we can give another person is to sit lovingly alongside them and listen to their story with empathy and compassion. When we can see the good in another person and express something positive to them we give them a gift of confidence and unconditional love. True religion, accurate theology and positive philosophy will accomplish this.
What I find so difficult when I watch television and listen to the news reports is the absence of positive affirmation about those who may see things differently than us. It seems so easy to look for the flaws and faults of those who have different viewpoints than we do. When I spend my time in negativity I create an emotional storm of rejection and condemnation and block myself from seeing good in other people. I seek to condemn rather than to understand. Parents who seek to condemn their children rather than understand them create an atmosphere of negativity that makes healthy emotional growth very difficult. When leaders of religious, social or political movements do the same, healthy emotional, spiritual and political growth is not fostered. In fact it becomes stifled and a blanket of negativity covers over the positive energy that could be fostered and encouraged.
Become an agent of positive change. Be a person who creates love and affirmation all around you. When you do this, you help everyone who comes into your presence experience a sense of being loved and affirmed. My very kind and loving brother has reminded me of what the world needs most: Love and affirmation. Become a positive agent of change by being more loving and affirming to everyone.
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Fred Cavaiani is a licensed marriage & family therapist and psychotherapist with a private practice in Troy. He is the founder of Marriage Growth Center, a consultant for the Detroit Medical Center, and Henry Ford Medical Center. He conducts numerous programs for groups throughout Southeastern Michigan. His column in the Legal News runs every other Tuesday. He can be reached at 248-362-3340. His e-mail address is: Fredcavi@yahoo.com and his website is fredthecounselor.com.
