By Fred Cavaiani
A close friend died a week ago. I had known him over fifty years. Carl was a kind and gentle man. We had over 30 Super Bowl Parties at his home over the years. As he was entering the hospital he in his own typical manner said "I am here to die." Carl knew it was time. We got the news about eight days ago that he was dying while we were out of town. So we cut our visit short in Illinois and Wisconsin to return home. At Carl's funeral I looked over the room at the friends my wife and I were with. None of us are young anymore. The thought entered my mind "which one of us will be next?" We have a circle of friends who have always remained close. Whenever someone is sick the others show up at the hospital to visit. About five years ago I was sick for a few days and landed in the hospital. I was only there for two hours when I heard voices down the hall from my room. Suddenly an old man entered in a wheel chair being pushed by another elderly man. It was Carl and my good friend Barry coming to visit me. Oh the value of long term friends.
For the past four years, Barry would take Carl out for lunch once a month, and then take him to get a haircut. These two old friends are the complete opposites politically. But politics has never gotten in the way of friendship. What faithful friends! Carl and his wife Dolores were part of our little community called the Unicini. We had all been in religious life together and had left the Capuchin Order in the early 70s. All of us remained close to the Capuchins. We all got married a few years after and would gather with each other and our wives and with Capuchin friends. We call ourselves the Unicini which means a oneness in our Capuchin history. The Capuchins had been our first home and family after our nuclear families. Most of us had been in the Order for at least fifteen years. At Carl's funeral his 90 year old brother, Fr. Fabian was there. He was my teacher my first two years of seminary high school. At the luncheon I sat next to another priest whom I had known for over sixty years. What a reunion.
I had given Carl his first job. He was always so grateful and remained in that position as a Counselor until retirement. Sitting at a table with close friends who have always been there for each, I felt grateful to have such emotionally close and spiritual friends. We have all been at each other's weddings, attended many gatherings throughout the past 44 years with each other. Carl and his wife Dolores were part of this. What memories. What friendship. What blessings.
Close friends in life just keeping showing up at the joyful and the sad times. They are men and women whom you know will always be there. Close friends seem to foster a deeper awareness of God's friendship. They are always there for you. Whatever happens you realize that you are cherished and loved unconditionally by these friends.
Two months ago Barry was unable to take Carl out to lunch and a haircut. So I was the fill in for that day. He was in his 87th year, becoming forgetful and very weak. Yet what a joy filled experience to be able to do this. We reminisced about the time he and his wife bought their home in Troy. All of us showed up in the middle of the night serenading them.
Memories and the sharing of memories become so important. It is a sacred event to share memories with friends. Good friends deepen our journey of spirituality on the road through life. Good friends help us appreciate our own wounds and successes, our own 'scars and stars' as Robert Schuller used to say.
Our little group appreciated so profoundly our past life as Capuchins and our journey into marriage and new friendships. This little group extended its' love and compassion to many people over many years. We have been blessed. None of us are wealthy. But we are all rich in friendship and compassion with one another. I think we are also rich in appreciating having a spirituality that we have all shared with each other since we were very young. This spirituality has carried us through many struggles and difficulties: open heart surgeries, cancer, loved ones dying, emergency trips to hospitals and many other painful and joyful experiences. We seem to always show up for each other.
At the funeral luncheon we sang a song to honor Carl. It is a German song we all used to sing as Capuchins on the birthdays or namedays of our confreres. It is called Er Lebe Hoch which means May he live high. We sang it and toasted Carl. We all can live high when we have good friends and spirituality in our lives. To live high is to be tuned in to lasting friendships and to God. May you all live high.
I am struck with the realization that good friendships don't just happen. They must be nurtured and treasured. At the luncheon our close friends were sitting with us. The thought of how we have nurtured and treasured each other for over forty years was profoundly inspiring. What a lesson learned. Thanks Carl.
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Fred Cavaiani is a licensed marriage & family therapist and psychotherapist with a private practice in Troy. He is the founder of Marriage Growth Center, a consultant for the Detroit Medical Center, and Henry Ford Medical Center. Fred conducts numerous programs for groups throughout Southeastern Michigan he is also on staff at Capuchin Retreat Center in Washington, MI. His column in the Legal News runs every other Tuesday. He can be reached at 248-362-3340. His e-mail address is: Fredcavi@yahoo.com and his website is fredthecounselor.com.
Published: Tue, Oct 18, 2016
