EXPERT WITNESS: A break in the weather--Economic humor

By Dr. John F. Sase with Gerard J. Senick If all economists were laid end to end they would not reach a conclusion. - George Bernard Shaw Irish Playwright and co-founder of the London School of Economics With the exception of lawyers, it's hard to think of a profession held in lower public esteem than that of economists. - Rupert Taylor, Canadian journalist It is March. The snow falls, thaws, freezes - then it snows again. We are in Michigan. The economy of our state faces a lot of challenges including mortgage tsunamis. However, I (Dr. Sase) awoke this morning to discover that, while we slept, an 8.9 earthquake in the Pacific produced a real tsunami that has devastated Japan. As Mr. Senick and I finish this column, it has hit Hawaii and the west coast of the Americas. Add to this the current events in Egypt, Libya, and Tripoli, and it seems that this may be the time to interject a little bit of humor - actually a lot of humor, our best medicine. In this month's column, we would like to share some quips, one-liners, and anecdotes about economists, the economics profession, and attorneys that I (Dr. Sase) have collected over the years. The Early Years of the Profession Though economists tend to trace the history of our profession to seventeenth-century Europe, a number of historians (attempting to be stand-up comedians) assert that Christopher Columbus was the first economist. They claim that, when he left to discover America, Columbus did not know where he was going and, when he got there, did not know where he was. Furthermore, his voyage of exploration was done totally on a government grant. What Is Economics? For more than 150 years, economists have been defending themselves against Scottish philosopher Thomas Carlyle's assertion that Economics is the dismal science. However, our field is much more than that, given that Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. Of course, within any discussion of employment versus unemployment, it must be noted that an "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist - who issued the unemployment rate and to whom it is acceptable - still has a job. What Is an Economist? Answering this question always has resembled grabbing onto a slippery, greased pig (with lipstick). Many non-economists assert that an economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. (Note: an econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.) However, there seems to be much more to the populist view of economists because, in addition, an economist is considered to be someone who 1) gets rich explaining to others why they are poor; 2) is too smart for his/her own good but is not smart enough for anyone else's; 3) does not know what s/he is talking about and makes you feel that it is your fault; and 4) Does not have enough personality to become an accountant. Why Study Economics? This always has been a popular question on many fronts, especially from beginning Economics students who have failed miserably on their first exam of the term. In addition to the highfaluting answers that professors generally give, perhaps we should say that you should study Economics because 1) you can talk about money without ever having to make any; 2) when you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there; 3) you will understand how inflation allows you to live in a more expensive neighborhood without moving; 4) you will learn that there are two things you are better off not watching in the making: sausages and econometric estimates; and 5) you get to say "trickle down" while keeping a straight face. Quiz One: I (Dr. Sase) would not be a normal instructor of Economics if I did not give at least one pop quiz. So, here you go: Q: What's the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man? A: The economist is the one with the calculator. Q: Why did God create economists? A: In order to make weather forecasters (especially in Michigan) look good. Q: What does it take to be a good economist? A: An unshakeable grasp of the obvious! Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. If the government would leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Remember: Economists Have Forecasted Nine Out of the Last Five Recessions In the process of teaching Economics, we like to use graphs, charts, mathematical equations, and hair-splitting obtuse terminology to explain what British economist John Maynard Keynes considered to be nothing more than "animal spirits" and common sense. In doing forensic work that includes talking to a jury, I (Dr. Sase) find that very brief stories in respect to common things, such as comparing the difference in the price and size of a Snickers bar today as to when we were kids, provides a much more intelligent and memorable approach to the subject. In this respect, we offer the next few tidbits: A Lesson in Economic Logic A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are stranded on an island with nothing to eat. A can of beans washes ashore. The physicist says, "Let's smash the can open with a rock." The chemist replies, "Let's build a fire and heat the can first." The economist responds, "Let's assume that we have a can-opener." The Economist and the Shepherd A man walking along a country road comes across a shepherd with a huge flock of sheep. This man approaches the shepherd and says "I will bet you $100.00 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number of animals in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over and decides to take the bet because of the large size of his flock. The man proclaims "973" as the number of animals. Astonished because this determination is correct, the shepherd responds, "Okay, I'm a man of my word. Take a sheep." The man picks up an animal and begins to walk away. Then the shepherd cries, "Wait! Let me have a chance to get even - double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees to the wager. The shepherd responds, "You are an economist who works for a government think tank." The man exclaims, "That's amazing! You're exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?" The shepherd retorts wryly, "Well, put down my dog and I will tell you." Half a Year to Live Following a routine medical exam, a woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live. The distraught patient asks her physician, "What should I do?" Her doctor advises her to marry an economist and move to New Jersey. Puzzled, the woman asks, "Will this cure my illness?" The doctor replies calmly, "No, but the half year will seem like an awfully long time." Computer Viruses Created by Economists Most attorneys and other gentle folk understand that economists work a lot with computers. However, as with terrorists, hackers, and telemarketers, economists sometimes can go "a little funny in the head" and, inadvertently or intentionally, can create computer viruses that spread rampantly throughout the Internet. Though McAfee, Norton, and other protective software providers usually are successful in reigning in the madness, the few following viruses occasionally slip through the Asian carp nets of the World Wide Web. These irascible malfeasants include the following: * "Government Economist Virus'': This one seems to download when you search for statistics on any dot-gov Web site. The result is that, soon afterwards, nothing works on your system, but all your diagnostic software says everything is just fine. * "Multinational Corporate Economist Virus": This one often enters your system when you make online purchases or transfer funds to some Assistant Director of Finances in Nigeria. This virus deletes all monetary files but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better. * "Supply-Side Economist Virus": If your computer is attacked by this one, you should probably toss it in the trash and buy a new machine. This devastating virus puts your computer to sleep for four years. However, that is not the worst of it. When it wakes up, you are a trillion dollars further in debt. Bumper Stickers for Economists Nowadays, one cannot drive more than a mile without spotting a bumper sticker that proclaims the accomplishments of the driver's child in elementary school or the person's dog in obedience school. One of the other strings of bumper displays is the "Do It" genre that subtly asserts the virility and prowess of the owner of the vehicle. This practice of advertising without getting a bigger sign has even snared economists. The following are a few of these slogans that have made it around the profession: * "Economists do it with interest" * "Economists do it with models" * "Economists do it discretely AND continuously" In closing our brief interlude from the harsher realities of the day, let us consider one of those moments shared by economists and attorneys. For those in our professions who pursue careers in pure academia, the issue of tenure arises. In part because academic pay often can approach the pitiable, the job security of a tenured post continues to provide a major carrot for attracting and holding teachers in higher education. Through the centuries of our professions, the relationship between economists, attorneys, and a Deity has been a close one, though occasionally strained. This strain is most pronounced in academia, for many have claimed that God never could receive tenure due to the rigorous hurdles in place. (This is despite the fact that many in our profession often call upon the Almighty for assistance.) Therefore, from a generally Judeo/Christian interpretation, we close our column with the following presentation: An Economist and an Attorney Explain Why God Can Never Receive Tenure at a University 1) S/he had only one major publication. 2) This publication had no cited references. 3) The publication was not submitted for peer review or published in a refereed journal. 4) Some even doubt that S/he authored it. 5) The scientific community has had a very difficult time trying to replicate His/Her results. 6) When one experiment went awry, S/he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects. 7) S/he had His/Her Son teach His/Her classes. 8) S/he expelled His/Her first two students for learning. 9) S/he kept irregular office hours and usually held them on a mountaintop. Finally, here is a list of some URLs that contain even more humor about economists. Have fun!: * corsinet.com. * ahajokes.com. * nd.edu/~jstiver/jokes.htm. * workjoke.com/economists-jokes.html. * economicscience.net/content/JokEc. * daryld.com/economist-jokes/. ---------- Dr. John F. Sase of SASE Associates, Economic Consulting and Research, earned his MBA at the University of Detroit and his Ph.D. in Economics at Wayne State University. He is a graduated of the University of Detroit Jesuit High School. Dr. Sase can be reached at (248) 569-5228 and by e-mail at drjohn@saseassociates.com. Gerard J. Senick is a freelance writer, editor, and musician. He earned his degree in English at the University of Detroit and was a Supervisory Editor at Gale Research Company (now Cengage) for more than 20 years. Currently, he edits books for publication and gives seminars on writing. Mr. Senick can be reached at (313) 342-4048 and by e-mail at gary@senick-editing.com. Published: Wed, Mar 16, 2011