COUNSELOR'S CORNER: Transition lessons

By Fred Cavaiani This past week my brother-in-law died and on the same day, a close friend of ours died. Writing this after having just returned from the funeral of our good friend, Steve, I am immersed in thought about the meaning of life and death. I watched the pain of loss on my wife's face over the death of her brother. I experienced the pain of loss on Steve's wife, Judy and their two daughters. Yet I also experienced peace within my wife and peace within Steve's wife. Both are women of faith who were loyal and faithful. My wife took care of her brother for many years. Judy took care of Steve throughout his bouts with cancer. Both of these men died peacefully though they had experienced many diminishments. At times like these, the caregivers are filled with loss and relief. Both feelings are present at the same time. Yet it is Faith in a new and better life that is celebrated when a person dies. It is a remembrance of the good times shared with the deceased person that is celebrated at wakes and funerals. They have transitioned to another life. We celebrate their lives and the good things they have left us. We acknowledge the meaning of their lives and what we have learned from them and these positive experiences take a greater hold on our lives than ever before. At the funeral luncheon after Steve's funeral, a group of us who have known Steve for over forty years stood up and sang an old German Song called "Er Lebe Hoch" (May he live well). We have all sung this song for years at our reunions, weddings, christenings etc. It was a song of comradeship based on the group which we have all belonged to for many years, the Capuchin-Franciscans. We grew up in our twenties singing this song at birthdays and celebrations. It was our way of saying goodbye to steve. We know we will be singing this song at each other's funerals for years to come. Again, this song symbolizes what life is all about. "May he live well" or "May he live high" which means to live a good, joyful life. Steve did just that. His transition to the next life reminded all of us what a gentle and kind life he lived here. My brother-in-law's death reminded me of how gentle and kind he was whenever we visited him in the nursing home and hospital. Both Steve and George spent their final days "living well" in kindness and gentleness. This kindness and gentleness is what we experienced as we sat at the funeral luncheon. All of us at our table have shared experiences with each other for many years. We have a long history. The sense of belonging and community we have with each other is strong and gentle. This is what Steve left us and it is what we will all be leaving each other when we each transition to the next life. Looking around this table we all realize that it may not be long when we are celebrating the next transition of one of us to the next life. As I looked at my wonderful wife and our wonderful friends, I was filled with gratitude to have such kind and gentle people in my life. Sometimes it takes the transition to the next life of someone close to us to help us realize what a wonderful privilege it is to have been given life and love and friends. It is this sense of connection and this sense of love that remains forever. As my wife and I and our two daughters talked with Judy at the funeral home, she said something that was truly amazing and sincerely meant. She said with such sincerity, "I am so happy for Steve to have gone to the next life. I am filled with peace." Each of us experienced at that moment that she deeply meant these words. It was what she felt and believed. This was the day before the funeral. A few hours later as the four of us went out to dinner, we shared what this statement meant to us. It increased our faith and awareness about life and how to live. This past week has been filled with loss and pain. It has also been filled with gratitude and love. In pain and loss we all come together. This coming together when someone has transitioned to the next life becomes an experience of gratitude and love and belonging. It helps each of us understand in a better way the purpose of our lives and what we want to leave with others. It also helps us to become more open to what is all around us, a presence of love and a presence of God. May you live high, Steve and George. And may we all live high right now. May we live well in love. Transition lessons are very powerful. ---------------- Fred Cavaiani is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Psychologist with a private practice in Troy. He is the founder of Marriage Growth Center, a consultant for the Detroit Medical Center, and Henry Ford Medical Center. He conducts numerous programs for groups throughout Southeastern Michigan. His column in the Legal News runs every other Tuesday. He can be reached at (248)362-3340. His e-mail address is: Fredcavi@yahoo.com and his website is fredthecounselor.com Published: Tue, Jun 7, 2011